Growth and Death

20Aug09

”  Every man dies -not every man really lives ” -William Rose Wallace

What is your fear ?

most people answer this question with ” death “. and most people say that someone who has a fear of death is a coward. Is there anyone who has a fear of growth ? is someone who has a fear of growth more coward than someone who has a fear of death ? well let’s not figure this one out either coward or not coward. because i’m gonna feel that i am a coward. the thing is, i have a fear of both, growth and death.

isn’t it so sad when you watch or at least realize that people you love have grown older ? probably, it wouldn’t so sad when you had a baby and you watched your baby grown up, you gotta be excited to see it! but it would be different if you realized that your parents/grandparents/great-grandparents had grown older. and they are likely close to death. i feel so weak when i think about it. i ask my self, what i have been giving to them ? time flies, people born, people grow, and die in time. it’s like you wear watch on your hand, you can’t hear the sound of the watch every time the bow moves if you just busy with your thing, all you know is, dang! it’s 3.21 AM! you can not feel, can’t count the time. that’s how growth works. and that’s how people grow. and when you noticed that your time was over to be with people you love, and they passed away, in the same time you’d notice that you have wasted your time without watching they grown to death. you would be alone again.

i lost my grandpa 2 years ago. he was a lovely man. i loved him so much. i wish he could see me get married and have a little family. i thought he will be there to see me get married (although, i won’t get married too early. but if he asked me to, i would ) when he was gone, i realized something, that i only spent a little time with him to see him grown up, until he was dead. i didn’t blame my self though, i just feel regret that i wish i could spend a little more time with him to see him grown up.

by this experience, i would not make the same mistake that i did to my grandpa. i am going to spend more times with my grandma as much as i can. well i went to visit her last week. it was fun and joyfull! (although, she always thinks that i’ve been always lying to her about with whom i went out at night, and where i slept over after ) . she was just worried about me. she picked me up at my aunt’s house at evening. she got the house by the train! how amazing she was! i think she was out of her mind for acting so strong to pick me up just to make sure that i was really there! she’s nuts 😉 but i love her soooo muuuucccchhhh, as if i can’t live without her.

i am not afraid of my death. i am not afraid of my growth to death. but the most thing i fear in life is to watch people i love grown up to death. i just love them. i want them to see me growing older as they grow. i just want them to be around when i have babies.

oh, i just love them more than my life itself.

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2 Responses to “Growth and Death”

  1. good thinking… well written as always… 🙂

  2. 2 alieya Rochmana

    thank’s for visiting 😉


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