Life has always been under control for me..

23Jul09

there i go.. got stumble in bad grades, deficit, being a target of their (mom and dad) anger, and the one that always keeps faith in me is the loneliness itself 😦 it’s not that because i have no one.. that exactly i feel so all alone, although closest friends here beside me.. they always be.. i just know.

this pain began when my dad has found out the evaluation of my grades in this semester. it is totally BAD! i knew it before my dad. and i’ve never felt like freaked out about my grades, but this time, i have. i feel sorry, regret, and feel like i am nothing. at least, this time i feel those kinda feelings as i’ve never felt like this before about it. my dad should understand this. but i guess he is just fed up with me. i messed up everything. his trust, his chances, his effort to encourage my spirit, but then i have just thrown it all away. i am disappointing. maybe it’s me who didn’t try hard enough to do my best. maybe it’s me who did’nt struggle enough to face the fact that in life, you have to be so brave, wise and sincere with all of your heart and soul to take the advantage of the fact that life is not that easy if you don’t make/have a lot of money. life has always been under control for me, cause apparently, life is being controled by a lot of money.

i’m not saying that life is all about the money, but money controls life. literally. i just wonder why people gets confused/mad/flustered/disoriented/anything if has lack of money. for example : My mom will act very nice in the early of each month which she gets her income from my dad’s office, but  she will act very harsh/fussy/rude/unmannered/visious in the middle of the month when her saving is about to breakdown. it’s kinda weird emotion, isn’t it ? what should i call this emotion ? uhmm, “pre-financial problem measure” ? Scientific.

and when she gets this “pre-financial problem measure”, the one who always be capably tender target is, ME! darn. because you know, she always thinks that i deserve it. she and my dad and the whole family know me as a rebel, riot, lazy, sleepyhead, couch potato, controversial, and troublemaker bitch! so she thinks it always be a good idea to make me someone to blame.

and my dad, he is the one who makes money. he works for us, he strives anything to raise me and my brothers up. he is terrific a good dad. but there is sometimes he turns to be an assertive, conservative, old-fashion, and naive. in this case, he wants me to be a dork/unsociable/isolated by studying, studying, studying. all he wanna know is i make some good grades in university. he doesn’t wanna know about the distractions. even more, he doesn’t give a DAMN about the distractions. he solve his “problem” in me as if i have no choice like ” i give you this money each month, and i dont know how you manage this, but it must be enough for you ” –he doesn’t buy any compromise. he believes in this theory ” people who will b successful is the one who has some good result and always make an evaluation every 3 years that already passed on ” . yeah that’s what my dad did to me. he wanted me to evaluate my life in these 3 years lately.

here it goes, i have been awake late at night to evaluate my life. what i have been making in these 3 years to make him proud of me ? and the result was, nothing. in every aspects. in every parts of my life. and when i did this, i was hurting. it broke my heart so bad to find that i got nothing to proud of. my dad was right. he was absolutely right.

i could not control my life. i was just out of control to handle my self. i could not even do the best for my self, how would i do the best for the others ?

i’m gonna off to figure out whether i still can be able to do my best 😦

i will update this folks.

before leave, this is my family

IMG_6513

my brother's graduated. we were whole in this picture. do we look very happy in this picture ? please say we do.

at the airport. my brother was off to bali. my dad looks charming.

at the airport. my brother was off to bali. my dad looks charming.

family's friday night out at citos.

family's friday night out at citos.

mom. she looks okay. a lil

mom. she looks okay. a lil

Advertisements


No Responses Yet to “Life has always been under control for me..”

  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: