who am i ? i am what i am.

14Jan09

Who am I ?

I’ve been trying to figure out for who I am, and it wasn’t going well

I am spoiled. I can’t band the shoes strap well, i am 21 this year, and there are many kinda things at home that I can’t work on it, unless there’s no one home ; cook, iron, even I have someone to take the towel for me.

I avoided responsibilities. I make hanging out with friends for my number one priority, instead of studying and making incredible grades. I run out my money for nothing in the middle of the month, even if I realize that I don’t get enough from my dad, but I’m supposed to be able to manage that money. I sometimes escape from some of the classes, I read philosophy instead of constitutional law ( I take law for the major in university ), I demand more toward my dad, and success-less.

I take many things for granted. i play around and hook up with guys, with mostly no string attached, I dumped them whenever I want until I found out that sometimes I need to get involved with ‘in a relationship’ thing. I’ve happened made a band, and I was the one who asked for resigned from the band unlike my spirit at the first time when I was going to build the band. I did really have the willpower to make a novel, but it didn’t happen eventhough I had the willpower! I did, but the novel never works.

I like playing guitar,like playing piano, writing songs, writing poems, writing journals, writing blogs that I was proud of being that creative. But then it was easy for me to be discouraged, cos no one pays attention of my works. Then I’m no longer proud with these abilities. Cause I thought, my things are boring! And I thought, people around me did feel the same.

I hate someone who teach me what to do about “good behaviour” as if im the worst person in this world.

I hate someone who tells me what to do with my hair and my clothes as if I’m the crime of fashion.

I hate someone who judges me before knows me for sure at all.

I hate someone who lies to me jus because of someone who I crush on. Even if they thought it was “white lies”.

I often broke the rules. Even for the rules I made my self.

I never wanted to be someone who people wanted me to be. I believe in my self, that’s how people can trust me all the way.

I love all of my friends as if I’d rather die than live without them, even if sometimes they hurt me with big bad things, but I do believe that people do mistakes. I do as well.

I love being around of children, even if sometimes they are annoying. But I don’t know how to take care of them when they wanna take a pee or “somethin”.

I sometimes act like a bitch. A real bitch. And I’m really afraid of ghosts, darkness, crowded, and caterpillar! Gosssssh.

I don’t eat egg and cabbage. I have a heavily gastric. I convince my self that I have a strange disease in my body. Like cancer or somethin.

I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in religion conspiracies. But I do believe in god.

I’m attracted with a guy who can make me laugh and smile wide, and it’s not easy for me to fall in love. It’s hard for me to cry, it’s hard for me to get hurt cause of dudes.

I love summer. I dislike winter. I despise rain.

I love beach. I love wearing sneakers, hoody or tank-top and hot pants instead of flat shoes, skinny jeans, and branded-shirt.

I like listening to all kinda music. Dangdut is included. But I don’t enjoy it though ahaha.

I always think that I’m insane for singing out loud in my room when I was feeling down, talking to my self in the mirror sometimes, having some fancy fantasies with some cute hot guys, reading a lot on the leisure times, talking about life with my friends in the meantime none of them like talking about it seriously.

I still don’t know who I am. All I know is, I just wanna be free, I just wanna be me.

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One Response to “who am i ? i am what i am.”

  1. 1 Mark

    A very personal and sincere essay. Spoken by the heart and the depths of your soul. You have opened up and said how you really think and how you felt. Well done my friend.


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